How to Age Gracefully; Laugh at Yourself
Having a growth mindset and setting new goals makes the difference
2021.
It’s a new age.
Yup. It sure is a new concept for me.
Age.
It’s a new thing for me.
Young used to be my adjective.
How do I know age is slowly becoming my adjective?
The lady at Shoppers Drug Mart assumes I have earned the +55 Senior Discount.
People have started calling me ‘ma’am’ instead of ‘miss’.
My daughter’s friends think I am “cute” when I do what normal adults do.
The department store shoves anti-aging cream samples in my bag.
BY THE HANDFULS.
I am not kidding; the sales clerk stuffed the bag like I had an emergency!
So, there you have it.
I look my age. 52.
I certainly don’t ACT my age.
Well, maybe some senior moments have occurred lately.
Like last week I signed up for the on-line virtual Tony Robbins, “New World, New You” five day challenge. Five days of Tony telling me how to get my act together and get goin’ with my goals and dreams. (It actually was awesome, but I will talk about that later). I decided if I was getting my act together, I had better treat these five days like I was going to an actual conference. That means, I had better shed my sexy Roots track pants (they are sexy because they have holes in them revealing my sensual skin), discard my sexy favourite soft Club Monaco t-shirt (yup, it’s so sexy that I have to wear the same colour of bra underneath to hide the holes) and actually wash my hair. The Covid Couture would have to be replaced with my take-charge professional wardrobe. Uhh. What an effort. I convinced myself by saying, “Kelly, you would not attend a live conference looking like this, so pull your socks up. Or better yet, find some actual panty hose and pull them up!
I started getting gussied up an hour and a half before the 2:00 pm rally was to begin. I spent too long in the hot shower (showers are refreshing; who knew?!) which meant I was starting to panic about being ready on time for the Zoom. Almost done the make-up application, when I dropped the mascara wand, smeared black all over my face and then on the floor. Grr. I tried to remove the black from my face but it just looked like I had a huge bruise. It had to suffice because time was ticking.
I found some nylons but wasn’t quite feeling it yet so I compromised with knee-highs. Dress pants. Yay. They fit. Suit jacket. Starting to feel the power. Matching stilettos. Bam! Brought my inner WonderWoman back!
Need a power brunch. 30 minutes and counting! Boiled eggs, smoked salmon and two scoops of cottage cheese. 45 g of protein to power my mental muscles! Look out Tony Robins, with one minute to go! I set up a little fort on my dining room table using my laptop, ipad, notepad, special black pen, water jug and I made a little space for my breakfast plate.
Tada!
Time to sit down and meet Tony Robbins and the “New World, New You” team!
I heard a strange crack and then slowly my butt started to feel cold on one side. It took a moment, but with a start I realized what had happened.
I had sat on my breakfast! Yes, I did. The hard boiled eggs were now scrambled and cold cottage cheese transplanted into my dry-clean only dress pants! So first... I swore. Just as an aside, I will admit that swearing without remorse is one of the aging things I have enjoyed. I never swore growing up. Woulda had my mouth washed out! I never swore raising my kids. Gotta be an example. But now? I understand Freedom 55! (ok, I am an early bloomer at 52). Old ladies can always swear and get away with it. Have you also noticed I can get away with using incomplete sentences in my writing? Yup. I was an English Major alright. I believe once you have mastered an art, you can manipulate it. And that’s what I am artfully doing, in case you have not noticed the brilliance.
I have digressed. Sorry for the cliffhanger. I shall continue my story. As the pump-up music from the virtual conference began, I ran to my bedroom to change my pants. Found a pair that would match. Didn’t fit as good. Damn pandemic pounds. I was so mad. My favourite pants. Probably ruined forever with a death by cottage cheese. As a Iast ditch save-effort, I quickly filled the bathroom basin to soak my pants which took more time.
By the time I was seated again at my virtual conference table, I didn’t care if it was a “New World” and I most certainly didn’t feel like creating a “New You”. I seared into the computer screen already resenting Tony’s 60-year-old-looks-like-40 face and youthful vitality. “He must be a freak of nature,” I consoled myself. The more I listened to him, the more my edginess subsided to a soft understanding. He was making sense and I was getting excited to plan a new age for myself, to redefine myself. However, before the 5-day virtual conference was over, I had a few more lessons to learn.
At the end of Day One, all the participants were challenged to create a 60 second live video on our conference FaceBook group by midnight, explaining what our old story was and what we resolved to be our new story. Immediately I didn’t want to do it. Immediately I decided I wouldn’t. Who wants to hear my wah-wah story about being victimized because of a divorce, because a loved one was lost to cancer, by questions about what to do next with my life? There was nothing extraordinary about my story. I would keep the airwaves open for those who truly had overcome some awe-inspiring obstacles. I would, however, do the exercise myself and re-write a positive story for my future self. I stayed up extra late to drill down through wide-angle lens introspection. When finished, I got ready for bed by brushing my teeth, and stripping off my aforementioned WonderWoman makeup. Then I felt it.
That nagging feeling I get when I really should be doing something and am resisting it. There were 15 minutes left until midnight; why don’t I post a live video where I relay the personal work I had just finished? Why? Because I don’t like being vulnerable. Why? Because I have never posted live before on FB? I don’t know what buttons to push. Why? Because I will feel stupid. Why? Because my story is not interesting. Why?
Because I am scared.
And “scared” is just a feeling, it’s not a reason. Then it hit me. I have let fear stop me from doing, creating, risking, living. I have to write a new story where I am courageous. Where I observe the fear and still push through it. It might break through to some pretty cool things that can only happen now that I am 52. It’s not about losing the things I could do when I was younger. It's about what I CAN do now that I am 52! This age affords me opportunity.
With determination to succeed, I started clicking all over facebook to find buttons that say ‘live”. In the name of courage, I was making myself see it pronounced LIVE (as in start living) not live (as in live TV coverage). This technology stuff does not come easily to me but eventually something I pressed worked and I could see myself, on camera. The “New World, New You” Tony Robins Facebook community was waiting for me to speak! And so I did. Stripped of all concealing makeup, my face was presented as it is, with dark circles under my eyes, my mustache of wrinkles above my lips, hooded eyelids and “sexy” t-shirt on. I was pleased that I concisely said my ‘piece’ in the required 60 second bite and pressed the button to “send”. Except it didn’t take for some reason. Grr. I clicked around to find that it didn’t seem to post my spiel and so I pressed a few more buttons and did it all over again. This time, it responded to my “send”. Whew! Done and it was still before midnight. There was also a draw for a prize amongst all who participated. “Perhaps, I will win”, I said to myself. I always think I’ll win. And only once have I won in a draw but the good news is that it was for wine! Oh, and wait, I won a jar of jelly beans once at the Maitland Valley Conservation Authority Picnic when I was a kid. Okay, since we are being honest here, I also won a black “William White” theatre lighting company jacket but I found out I was the only one who entered the draw. And I won tickets once to see the musical “Spelling Bee” in Toronto but, once again, I was the only one who entered.
And so, dreaming of winning the draw prize, I stumbled into bed with my mind full of challenging thoughts and a sense of accomplishment for completing the challenge video. In the morning, I thought (as one does) that I should check if my video had any likes. When I called up the FB group, I saw hundreds had also risen to the challenge. Being the empathetic person I am, I scrolled to all the poor souls whose videos had a low number of likes and clicked a big fat heart on each post. I kept scrolling and scrolling and my video never came up. Oh well, I thought, I guess I did something wrong and it didn’t actually post. Awk! I had mustered up all that courage and it didn’t work. I resigned to the fact that I was not eligible for the draw prize and consoled myself that the life lesson was still learned. I went through the process and I did it. The benefit was all mine.
While the app was open, I decided to flip out of the Tony Robins group chat and browse through my regular feed. THERE I WAS! ON LIVE (wanna be dead) VIDEO for all to see my grey roots, smeared prescription retinol cream and SEXY t-shirt!!!!! I was aghast! Several of my friends clicked ‘like’ on it! Oh no! People that I KNOW saw it! This was way more traumatic than hiding in some do-gooder positive thinking group! Quickly, I deleted the post (or at least crossed my fingers that I successfully deleted). Somehow I must have switched out of the Tony Robins group and to my own friends feed when I re-shot my video. In my panic, I kept trying to remember what all I said in the post. Anything embarrassing? Uhh! Even after two takes, I couldn’t remember so I went to my laptop where I had written the script using the PDF editable workbook document Tony sent me. I called up the form and all my script had DISAPPEARED! Whaaat?!! Damn, that was some good writing. I wanted to re-read what I said in six months to see if I had met the goals I set. How could it be gone? (I have since learned that in order to save such documents you have to click on “make a copy” and then you re-name the document and save it). Why do they call it a PDF, then? I assume it stands for “permanent document file”; where is the permanent part? Am I going to have to go back to control-alt-s to save again? PERMANENT! Permanent.
Oh, I get it. This is my breakthrough moment. Control. Save. That has been my stumbling block. I love and crave a sense of control in my life. I want to press “save” on my youth. The only place I can press save is in the movie of my mind and as for control, well for all my efforts, I cannot control life. I thought back to my divorce, Covid, Mom battling cancer, the fire in my condo...all are not and never have been in my control. My REACTIONS to them are in my wheelhouse. I made a list of all my life’s breakthrough moments and noticed that each lesson was learned when I let go of something. It is not required that I control other people’s reactions and actions; it is not required that I control my life. Shit happens and I am not immune to it. Where can I satisfy my control cravings? In healthy, consistent habits. I can be so healthy, so grounded that when the winds of change blow and when it's my turn for a problem to occur, I can breath in the dichotomy of dancing in the rain, thankful for the teachings and for the opportunity to redefine myself.
So many of my former identities were redundant (I am a Mom, I am a High School Teacher, I am Divorced, I am a Theatre Director, I am Youthful). I needed to understand that “to everything there is a season” and to scaffold and learn they are not applicable now. It doesn't serve me well to lament that those identities are gone. It serves me well to re-invent a compelling future for myself. What now? I am Wife. I have shifted from mothering to Mom. I am a Blogger, I am a Nutrition Coach, I am Writer, I am Caregiver, I am Wise, I am Friend, I am Adventurer. I am 52. I am Healthy.
I am not totally in La La Land. I know some things are changing for me. There will be loss in exchange for wisdom: I am losing my firm skin, I am losing my hair (and eyelashes apparently), I am losing my words at times (which makes my family happy), I am losing my children as they fly from the nest.
And what have I gained? A new story. I am gaining freedom from the responsibility of child rearing, I am gaining the opportunity to travel, to make money in a different way, to read more, do new things, to love properly again and to collect new memories.
And with the wisdom comes the ability to laugh at myself. It’s funny that I sat on my breakfast. It’s funny watching me struggle to keep up with technology. It’s funny to see me sans makeup telling the world of facebook my new dreams. My twenty-something adult children would say it’s funny I am still using facebook. What the heck is tic tock? It’s funny that Shoppers Drug Mart considers me a Senior. I am discovering the best part of middle age is my emerging ability to laugh at myself whilst still taking the risks required to dream big. And you can say, “Yes Ma’am!” to that.
I love who I am. And that’s not selfish. When I set goals, dream dreams and challenge myself, I bring the best Kelly to the game of life. And a well tuned, focussed athlete brings more to the team.
So team, what are you bringing to the game?
I hope your dreams take you to the corners of your smile,
To the highest of your hopes,
To the windows of opportunities,
And to the most special places your heart has ever known.
ADDENDUM
Yep, we did have a condo fire. Luckily, we were in our hometown, Listowel, at the time. It began when a person above our condo threw a cigarette off his/her balcony. In the March wind, it blew onto ours. Six weeks in a hotel, another three weeks sleeping on the floor and a year and a half of continued repairs… yes, it was a focusing moment.
In case you think I exaggerate my stories, I really did drop mascara all over my face, sat on my brunch and posted a Live video of myself yacking away for 60 seconds.
I found the blessing I quoted at the end in the Globe & Mail newspaper. It was a Graduation Notice for Robert Piro on November 21, 2020.
I hope my meanderings have infected you with the desire to re-write your own story about aging. I have found studies that show your mindset, optimism and healthy habits greatly affect your ability to stave off disease and ailments associated with old age. You might age but you don’t have to get old!
