Memoirs of a Migraine Victim
See Yourself in my Story of Chronic Pain
The vice-grip tightened around my head, causing a notable throb and sending an additional surge of nausea to my gut. Feeling nervous and already defeated, I looked at the directory beside the elevator to determine the floor I would teleport to. Teleport, not escalate, because when I have a migraine, I feel like I am watching myself in a movie rather than acting in the movie itself. Suits me fine, though; I hate elevators. Rather not be conscious of the claustrophobic panic of being confined.
The elevator doors opened and I glanced around for my destination, repeating the name in my head as not to forget it. Can’t keep anything in my head in this state. Can’t even spell, ‘concentration’, let alone activate it. “Dr. Shapero, Dr. Shapero, Dr. Shapero…”. I feel like I am going in circles, frustration flooding at a faster rate than it should. I see the names of Doctors on the doors. Dr. Wong. There are a lot of doctor Wongs, I note, including my long-time childhood classmate, Herbie Wong. (Wanna hear more about Dr. Wong stories? Read Speling Mistaks Lead to Resillency) I stop and stare at the door, wondering what hospital that old friend might be working at. I remember he had a strange coloured Rx7 we used to drive around in High School. We thought we were big shots. A smile came to my face as I remembered we played Meatloaf’s, “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” and sang it at the top of our lungs. That’s a weird expression. Top of our lungs. Does it just mean, it takes a lot of breath to sing that loudly? Ahhhh! Dr. Herb Wong. Who would have thunk he would end up being a fancy doctor. Doctor! Shit. Doctor who? I totally forgot the name of the Doctor I was supposed to see. Dr…? Dr…? Dr. Sheerer? Dr. S-something… Damn it… Feel like an old lady when I have these migraines. Can’t focus. Dug into my purse to find the appointment confirmation letter. I shuffle items in and out again. Panic starts to set in. I wonder if they will still let me have the appointment if I don’t have the confirmation letter with me. Specialist offices can be finicky. I didn’t even find it funny when I noticed I was shuffling purse paraphernalia WITH the letter in my hand. I am not like this, I think, when I don’t have a migraine. I can hardly remember what a treat it was to be able to concentrate and participate in life energetically.
I opened the letter and found the name again. Ah, yes. Dr. Shapero. That’s it. When I found the door, I took a deep breath and hoped the hour drive would be worth it. I was wondering if I would find myself having to trek over here weekly, monthly? I decided that if this guy could cure my migraines, I would even go daily. Daily! What was I thinking?! If I had to go daily, I would have to quit my job. How will ever get better? What if he tells me I have a brain tumour? What if I have been misdiagnosed by other doctors and my problem is not migraines? What if I have left it too long? What if nothing can be done?
“Stop”. I say out loud, nonplussed as to whether anyone in the waiting room heard me. I couldn’t let myself mentally spiral. Always ready to leap to the worst case scenario, I could, in the course of 6 seconds, find myself imagining the extreme rather than being hopeful that this doctor would be able to make a difference. I didn’t used to be like this. I used to be one of those nauseating, energetic optimists who saw the upside of everything. Since the migraines came, I couldn’t see any sunshine past the cloud that migraines permanently wrapped around my head. Doctors reminded me there was no cure for migraines. Articles provided stupid, useless suggestions like “eliminate stress” from your life. Like how? How, when you had two young children? How, when you worked full time as a High School Teacher? How, when I was required to stay at work late and Direct the plays? How, when I couldn’t seem to live up to the expectations my husband has for me, let alone the expectations I had for myself? How, when I was trying to do my Masters courses? How, when I had a second job, teaching at the university?
Eliminate stress. What an empty, asinine suggestion. Other people have stress and they don’t have migraines.
“Kelly Judge??”
“Yes”.
“Since this is your first time at the clinic, I need you to fill out this intake form”.
“Sure”.
Name: Kelly Judge
Marital status: married
Date of Birth: November 5, 1968. Age: 36
Address: Donald Road, Burlington.
Occupation: High School Teacher
Do you have a history of any of the following? No. No. No. No. No. No.
Geez. I am perfectly healthy.
How long have you suffered from migraine headaches? One year
How many migraines do you experience per week? Everyday
How long do your migraines last? All day
Do you take over-the-counter meds for your migraines? Yes
If yes, what do you take? Extra strength Ibuprofen, several a day
Do you have any allergies or food sensitivities? None
I handed back the clipboard to the receptionist. Knowing the form was necessary, I wished she had just verbally asked the questions. You would think that a migraine clinic would understand that when one has a migraine, the pain intensifies when one tries to read. And why were they playing this music? Everyone knows that migraine sufferers are very sensitive to noise. What is wrong with setting up a migraine clinic like a library? You know, with “shh” signs everywhere. And while they are at it, why didn’t they turn the lights down? How expensive are dimmer switches? What is with the Fluorescent lights? Seriously. IN A MIGRAINE CLINIC!
“Kelly Judge”.
Finally, it was my turn. I followed the Nurse to a small office and waited for Dr. Shaparo. Would he be like other specialists I had seen? To this date, I had found most specialists to be cold, absolutist and in a rush. They seemed to only be able to diagnose with binary yes or no answers and only with their questions. There was no room for me to answer with “it depends” or “sometimes” or “not consistently”. There was no room for MY questions. I was always disappointed that it took 6 months to get into see a specialist and they were done with me in ten minutes.
Dr. Shaparo walked in. He shook my hand, introduced himself and gave me a warm smile. Immediately, he made me feel that we were equals. He, the expert on medicine and me, the expert on my body.
“Your family doctor has recommended you to me because you have been experiencing migraines. Tell me the whole story and don’t leave anything out”. He sat, legs crossed, with a pen in hand, a clipboard and a blank page, cued to write.
There was silence on my part.
I hardly knew where to start and I hardly believed he really did want to hear it all. Perhaps, that was just an elevator statement he gave to all patients to make them feel good before he cut them off when they went off track with what he deemed irrelevant facts.
“Go on. Tell me everything”.
So I did. It felt so good that someone was listening. Chronic illness is hard. The first few times you feel pain, loved ones rally around you to infuse their sympathy. Tell them about how much pain you are in everyday and the sympathy turns to apathy. Soon you are seen as a complainer who is unable to suck it up. The irony of that is we chronic sufferers are tougher than the rest. We still go to work everyday, we still make sure the kids get to their lessons, we cheerfully clench our teeth and smile whenever anyone asks us, “How are you?”. We still do the grocery shopping, help with the homework, and host dinner parties.
After my narrative, came his questions.
“How many days per month do you have a migraine headache?”
Everyday, all day.
“Does it feel like a stabbing pain on one side of the head?”
No. It feels like there is a vice-grip around my whole head and it keeps squeezing tighter.
“Do you ever get an aura?”
No, but I know some people do.
“Are you aware of any triggers you have?”
No. There are no triggers. I just have a headache and nausea 24-7.
“Red Wine?”
No.
“Cheese?”
No.
“The weather?”
No.
“Before your menses?”
No!
“During?”
No!!
“On the weekends?”
No!!!
“During holidays?”
No!!!!
“Caffeine?”
No!!!!!
“Citrus fruits?”
No!!!!!!
“Odors…”
NO!!!!!!!
I cut him off, immediately feeling regretful for the snappy tone in my voice.
I had already explained that I didn’t have triggers. I just had pain and nausea, all day, every day.
He seemed to accept my answer and proceeded to his next line of questions.
“Do you currently take any medication for your migraines”.
Yes, I brought them with me in this bag.
“Okay. Let’s see here. This one, yes, I see why but, no.
And this one, yeah, a lot of doctors prescribe this as a good starting point, but, no if you didn’t respond to it.
This one, no.
I see where the doctor was going with this one but, no.”
He rejected each of my prescriptions and asked me how often I took over the counter medication for my pain, to which I admitted up to 10 on bad days. Generally, I had to take two every four hours to be able to function.
“Let’s get you on a daily prescription, eliminate all these, and very importantly, we want to get you off your over-the-counter meds. They cause rebound head-aches. Once we have you off the rebound effect, we will be able to determine your triggers”.
I don’t have any triggers.
“Let’s just try this and I want you to keep a migraine journal”.
He handed me a workbook and explained how to fill it in daily.
“I will see you again in four weeks.”
And then he uttered the statement that would change my life.
“Kelly, I have a feeling you have been suffering more than you let on. This is not a life. I am going to stick with you until you have your quality of life back.”
Change my life, it did.
My eyes welled up with tears. Someone heard me.
Hope was seeded.
To see Part 2: When Headaches Become Migraines, click here.
ADDENDUM:
Arm Yourself with the Facts
Sometimes migraine triggers can be masked by various factors including over-the-counter medications. Sometimes, headaches can actually be a side effect from medication prescribed for other ailments. Migraines are difficult to treat for many reasons including the fact that not all sufferers have the same triggers. There are however, some items that are known to be common for a significant number of people. Some triggers were mentioned in this chapter but for a more comprehensive list, look at the Webmd.com “Migraine Trigger Checklist.” Some experts suggest eliminating one from your diet for a month and note specifically any changes in how you feel. For me, there were too many variables to be conclusive so the only thing that worked for me was to eliminate all generic triggers and slowly bring one back to my life, all the while paying close attention to the altered frequency and duration the change made to my migraines and nausea.
None of the information provided in this post is intended to be substituted for the help and advice of medical professionals. I am hoping that by sharing my observations and lifestyle habits, others will be inspired to scaffold from my ideas to claiming changes that work for them. Every “body” is different.
Interested in reading more migraine posts? Try Life’s a ?#*%& … with Migraines and When Headaches Become Migraines.
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