Why Plan B Weddings Are Better
More about the marriage, less about the wedding
Our wedding at Hacienda Sarria in October, 2018.
Anne Edgar Photography.Let me tell you about the benefits of a second wedding.
My Plan B husband and I wrote our own vows for our wedding. The angle and context of the words become very different when you are both 50 than when you are 23, like I was, for Plan A. We independently wrote our vows and heard them for the first time at the altar. It's amazing how similar they were in promises as well as values. Wisdom was the bedrock for the promises.
I was not nervous at all for my second wedding. This wedding was about “us”. It was about having what we wanted to celebrate our marriage and not about what was expected. I did not consult one bridal etiquette book where as I followed all the protocols at my “practise wedding” twenty seven years earlier. For my Plan B wedding, I did not have a wedding cake, much to my daughter, the maid of honour’s, chagrin. I didn’t feel like posing in front of a cake and couldn’t picture Randy posing willingly for such a picture. I didn’t want a large wedding party either. My practise wedding had five attendants on each side (it was perfect for then, but not right for now) so I had three attendants at Plan B wedding: My daughter as Maid of Honour, my husband’s brother and my son. It was an odd number but it was who I wanted.
The only thing I was nervous about was being able to see my vows in the Shakespeare-style notebook that was gifted to me from a student. Vanity prevented me from walking down the aisle with reading glasses hanging from my nose! I figure I looked so good that day, the reading glasses would reveal my secret; I was not 25 years old. All went well for the vows part but when it came to signing the registrar, I placed my signature on the wrong line!
Unlike my practise wedding which was held at a church and then reception hall, this time we selected a gorgeous villa-like setting (link: Hacienda Sierra) which housed both the ceremony and the reception. I wanted as much time as possible with my guests because my small group of invited friends and family were the very people who supported Randy and I through the tough times that brought us to this wedding. My guests were an important part of the wedding. The wedding ceremony was for me and Randy but the feast and reception were to thank our guests for their roles in our lives. I invited my two sister-in-laws and my surrogate sister-in-law (that’s another blog post sometime!) to help me get ready before the ceremony. It was so special to toast champagne with them, have our hair done and tell our giggly-girly stories. The pre-wedding ritual honoured the roles these kindred-spirits have had in my life. I don’t know what Randy’s pre-wedding ritual represented, except that it involved eating a lot of barbecued meat at a Roadhouse.
It is not in Emily Post’s etiquette book to have your own daughter as your Maid of Honour, let alone your son as an Usher. She would not have thought it possible in her day, that my children could be present at the wedding. However, this was one of the best parts of getting to have a second wedding. Sure, there was some pain involved in getting to this place in our lives, but the growth and opportunity were worth it. It was such an honour to have my 22 year old daughter and 20 year old son involved in the preparation and the event. Both came to the food tasting and helped us select what would be served at the wedding. My daughter and mother helped me select my dress; my daughter used her designer eye to select flowers, decorations, table settings, make-up and hair up-dos. She got her guts up and gave the requisite maid of honour speech with grace and eloquence. My handsome son was measured for a custom-made suit, attended the all-meat Groom luncheon and was the perfect host during the reception, visiting each table and making everyone feel at home. And very few brides can boast of this; My Dad took me down the aisle and met my son who took me down the last half. A special long-time family friend, who became a Minister of the Church as a second career, (Plan B again!) officiated.
When younger, vows often include the anticipation of having children together.
Our vows included my grown up children in the promises.
Bride
Surrounded by those who love us, I chose you to be yourself.
I invite you to stand beside me so that I might compliment you.
I invite you to participate in my dreams for the future.
I promise you this:
I will laugh with you.
I will laugh at you.
And I will laugh for you when times are tough.
I look forward to learning from you.
I will watch with admiration as you set your growth paths
And chart them on graphs.
I will celebrate with you when you achieve your goals.
I promise to listen AND
I promise to talk… a lot.
I promise to love you loyally and fiercely as long as I live.
I promise to trust that we will work it out.
Groom
Today I promise you this:
I chose you.
Now and forever; once and for always.
In front of the people we love most in the world,
I commit to loving you, come what may.
Through times good and bad,
Exciting or boring,
Comfortable or desperate.
I will stand with you shoulder to shoulder in the face
Of whatever life throws us.
Together, we’ll figure it out.
I make this promise not
With the eager optimism of a young man,
But with the hard-earned wisdom
Of a man at the midpoint of the path through life.
I make this promise to you not
In spite of our pasts, but because of our pasts.
I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life
Sitting under the apple tree with you.
To My Children
Taylor and Spencer—
We recognize that our decision to marry
Directly affects you.
We promise to love and support you
As we all start new chapters in our lives.
This year becomes a graduation of sorts
For each of us.
We both cherish the relationships we have with you
And we promise to be there for you
Whenever you need us.
ADDENDUM:
Many of you young’uns won’t know who the referenced “Emily Post” is.
She (1872-1960) was an American socialite made famous for her expertise and writing on etiquette. In the biography of Emily Post, we are told men are taught not to blow their noses into their hands or spit tobacco on to ladies’ backs. Women learned to make sure their “slips” don’t show beneath the hemline and how to cross their ankles on an angle when sitting down.
I was taught many of the rules hailed as appropriate by her when I was a child. My mother would say, “it’s snowing down south” to discreetly tell me that my slip was showing. I credit Emily with giving me the knowledge of how to make a beautiful table setting to honour my guests. Taylor and I listened to her voice when she gave us the idea to use both Randy and my Grandma’s teacups at the wedding. It was a great way to honour the Grandparents and Great Aunts who were no longer with us and who would have had a blast at the wedding.
