Christmas Disappointment
Turning Disappointment into Resilience
Excited for Christmas yet??
Every other year, Christmas preparations for me included baking all varieties of special cookies, wrapping presents, attending Holiday events like the Christmas Market at the Distillery District in Toronto, organizing open houses, viewing the mammoth Christmas Tree at Eaton’s Centre and attending music concerts. My preparation this time was packing up a survival kit and heading 5 hours north to my husband’s family cottage on a now-frozen lake to isolate. I carefully made a meal chart outlining two week’s worth of meals, utilizing every form of leftovers to ensure we would not be required to have human contact by returning to town to the grocery store. I counted out 14 pairs of underwear and socks, justifying my reluctance to throw any out despite wear & tear holes. Thankfully, I had just enough for each day because there is no running water at the cottage and the precious water we (AKA, my husband) pulled out after chopping through the lake’s 5 inches of ice was used primarily for the toilet. It would not be wise to waste water hand washing clothes. I was smart enough to bring paper plates to avoid washing dishes. The ‘dishes’ served as excellent fire-starters for the wood stove to heat the place. I knew it would be cold but -27 degrees celsius (16.6F) tested my resolve. Ho-ho-ho! Meeeerrrry Christmas!
Why the survival camp?
Covid Christmas 2020 demanded that if we wanted to see our parents on Christmas, we had to be absolutely virus free. My Mom died in February and Randy’s Dad died in April. This would be the first Christmas without spouses for our parents. The thought of them each alone is heartbreaking. This self-isolation idea seemed to be the only viable insurance allowing us to safely be with them. We told everyone we were doing this for our parents but a more precise assessment of our actions would be that we needed to see them. For all of us, 2020 has been a year of loss in multiple forms and 2020 didn’t spare us, nor our friends.
Holly Hobbie doll
2020 also dolled out disappointments. At the risk of sounding like a spoiled child, and despite how brave I have tried to be, I really have a need to articulate that I miss going to football games, attending parties with family & friends, eating in restaurants, shopping in person, getting my hair cut, and occasionally treating myself to a pedicure. I miss handshakes and hugs. Even as I type by the fire, it’s noon and I am waiting for a 1:00 expected announcement from our Ontario Premier, and a pop up on my screen informs that more than 300 Covid-19 patients will be in ICUs within 10 days. Everyone suspects the Premier will be ordering our second provincial shutdown. This would be another dose of disappointment.
I remember my only disappointing Childhood Christmas. I really, I mean really, wanted a Holly Hobbie doll. You can imagine my excitement when I saw her appear, wrapped, under the tree a couple weeks before Christmas day. I spent many stolen moments under the tree, imagining her, shaking the box and hearing her rattle inside. I thought I was going to burst at the seams waiting to meet her and love her. I can even remember Mom handing me the box to open. I contemplated. Should I act surprised? Would I be able to act surprised or would I be so relieved to see my new babydoll that I could not feign surprise? Should I open it slowly and savour the moment or rip it open? I decided the first option was best, even though my brother was shouting, “Rip it! Rip it!”
It was not a Holly Hobbie Doll.
Dorothy Hamill (left) vs. Kelly Judge (right)
Who knew that a curling iron was cased in the same size of box? I was convinced of the contents when I shook it. It was one of my earliest memories teaching me where to put disappointment. Without the benefit of modern positivity psychology, little Kelly taught herself to be grateful. I distinctly remember telling myself that I was lucky my parents could afford presents. I grew to love that curling iron because it made me look exactly like Olympic & World Champion, Dorothy Hamill, as I sported my curled umbrella haircut during my figure skating competitions.
It was one of the most thoughtful presents from my Mom and this year I find myself wishing for her presence. Losing her was my greatest of 2020 disappointments demoting all others. I will watch football games later. I will eagerly await the future gatherings with family and friends. I will prioritize and hone my hostess skills to soak up all the handshakes and hugs I can muster.
If protected from disappointments, I am robbed of the opportunity to build my resilience muscle. I am robbed of the opportunity for the focussing moments of life where I change to the wide angle lens. They flame my gratitude for this wonderland of life. Some things are just plain difficult. Some situations just suck. The emergence from such adversity is where I find my joy.
My son was born on Christmas Day. No mother alive would say that giving birth was a cinch. I can’t even articulate the two joys that emerged from that process for me. I think we all will feel disappointment this holiday season to some degree. I choose to catapult from the disappointment by consciously respecting its value to me.
Merry Christmas, everyone. Happy holidays. May you see through the veil of this pandemic and celebrate how we, all around the world, have worked together, disappointments in hand, to solve this problem together. When else in history has the whole world come together to tackle an enemy like this? THAT is worth celebrating. THAT is resilience.
8 minutes until the Premier’s announcement...
ADDENDUM:
Happy 22nd Birthday Spencer!
Okay, okay. Happy 24th Birthday next month Taylor!
Denise Holly Ulinskas (1944-) is actually an American writer, painter and illustrator. In the 1960s, she created a fictional character and called her Holly Hobbie. It all started as art drawings of a little girl in a bonnet. The character is based upon the artist’s children with rustic New England images. In 1974 (I was six), Knickerbocker Toys made a Holly Hobby doll. It was so popular that many other products were sold with the Holly Hobbie license including an Easy Bake Oven in 1976. It was like an old fashioned wood stove and used a light bulb for heat. It came with mini-cake mixes that required one ingredient. Water.
Santa made sure I got an easy bake oven.
Dorothy Hamill was the 1976 World and Olympic Singles Figure Skating Champion. She invented the Hamill camel which was a camel spin followed by a sit spin but I think she was most famous for her distinguished stylish 70’s haircut that flowed beautifully during her gorgeous layback spins! When I won my first competitive metal at age 10, I was pretty certain I was following her footsteps.
