Resilience: Let Tattoos Remind You to Be Strong
Oser, Vouloir, Savoir
I am scandalous.
Yup.
I have a tattoo.
(okay I have two, but the second one will have to be another story).
I recognize a tattoo is not for everyone but for those of us who sport one, it’s a big decision. Or at least it should be. Speaking as Captain Obvious, it is permanent. I think it should be an important statement, a reminder to yourself or a commemoration. The events crystallizing my eventual etching served to reinforce my resolve to be resilient.
For my 40th birthday, I was determined to have an adventure. I was going for it. I wanted to celebrate landmark wedding anniversaries with a trip of sorts but we needed a new roof, then we needed a new air conditioner and when the transmission went on our van, I resigned myself to the fact that an anniversary trip might never happen. However, there was something about turning 40 that gave me the courage to approach my (then) husband.
“I have decided that for my 40th, I want to go on a trip to Italy. I honestly do not want to pressure you to go with me. While you are welcome to come with me, I have decided I will also go on my own if necessary.”
I was met with silence and I could tell his mind was processing the assertion. He didn’t report to me what he was thinking until several months later he proposed we take a closer trip to Dominican Republic instead. I think he thought it would satisfy the travel bug that was biting me.
I said, I would be willing to go to Dominican and assess how I felt afterward but I told him outright, that I expected I would still want to go to Italy. So for Canada Day week in July, we found a very inexpensive resort to explore. Neither of us had ever been to the Caribbean before but we soon discovered why the travel package was so inexpensive --- it is DAMN HOT in the Caribbean in July!!!!!! We kept our bodies in the water as much as possible to remain human. Despite this, I still really enjoyed the trip, was flabbergasted that the water was turquoise just like the brochures and to my (then) husband’s chagrin, it only served to fuel the travel bug inhabiting my body.
Soon thereafter, I started studying important places to visit in Italy. Eventually, I found a tour company that offered a package which included all my researched destinations and it was time to book. My (then) husband decided that he would go with me.
Nothing about the trip disappointed me. I enjoyed learning the Italian culture from our tour guide as we circled around from Rome, to Pompeii, up to Venice and over to Florence.
My tattoo inspiration came from our excursion to the Isle of Capri.
Capri is a beautiful island sporting lots of windy roads leading to steep hilltops. In order to visit Villa San Michele, the dream home of Dr. Axel Muthe, we all had to squish into a small van that wound its way up the seemingly 90 degree hill to the estate. The Italian drivers take pride in their ability to navigate tight s-curves on death defying ledges. Like a nervous teenager on a roller coaster, I started to giggle at the absurdity of this transport. Like really really, uncontrollably giggle. It was so much fun in a get-to-know-your neighbour kind of way. My (then) husband who is an introvert and tends to be shy was clearly uncomfortable with my boisterous outburst of laughter. I didn’t care.
I felt like I was really living. This was the adventure I hungered to initiate the fourth decade of my life. I was literally living on the edge supported by the most beautiful eye candy nature had ever presented to me. My laughter was my release of pent up joy. And there was no stopping it.
We arrived at the over 100 year old villa and off to the side of the entrance gate, someone had hand engraved three french words into the rock.
Oser, Vouloir, Savoir.
Beneath it, was the translation.
Dare. Wish. Know.
I stared at that wall, transfixed for a while. I felt like it was a message that had been intended for me. It was waiting for me to receive it. I always knew my resolve to go to Italy for my 40th birthday was more than a visit to see a foreign country; it represented a longing I felt but could not articulate...A longing for new courage, for daring to dream again and for satisfying my lifelong hunger to learn.
My (then) husband told me it was on that trip that he decided our marriage needed to end. I had no idea he was feeling that way as our days were never wrought with arguments. And most certainly, we enjoyed a fantastic trip together. When I agreed to the divorce a few subsequent months later, I was scared, hurt, discombobulated, turned upside down. The concern for my children weighed heavily.
I journaled throughout the process to ground myself and in doing so, one day I came across my travel diary from Italy. There it was. There was my mantra. My resolve.
Oser, Vouloir, Savoir
Oser.
Dare. Venture. Be bold.
Vouloir.
Wish. To request.
Savoir.
Knowledge. What can be learned.
I reared up with all the strength I had in the moment.
OSER
I needed to dare to move forward. I need to dare to dream of a new future. It was the first big Plan B of my life. Plan A had not failed; it was simply completed. The stirring I had felt, resulting in the trip to Italy, was a premonition to the new Plan B adventure that awaited me.
VOULOIR
I need to give myself permission to make a few wishes. A wish to redefine myself. A wish to come out stronger. A wish to be more adventurous. A wish to love again. Some translations suggest vouloir implies a request. It was time to stop requesting of the universe and start requesting of myself...requesting that I not shy away from the difficult, requesting that I re-evaluate, requesting that I choose to breathe in every beautiful moment that is found, even in a storm.
SAVOIR
I needed to honour my commitment to lifelong learning. As a teacher, I have always valued the gaining of knowledge and now it was time for me to be life’s student again. I needed to learn new things that could only be learned if I was alone. I learned a new ventricle of motherhood, alone. It was time to widen my little world and expansion takes courage. It is the stuff of resilience.
I have now completed my fourth decade, with my trois mots inked on my back as a reminder to forge into my 50s still daring, still wishing, still knowing that life is truly beautiful.
ADDENDUM:
Taking my two grown-up children to Italy. Cinque Terre, 2019.
Italy. One very special place in my heart. I still cherish my memories seeded during my 40th birthday trip, but a little over a year ago, new precious memories were etched in heart when I had the privilege of taking my two now-grown-up children to Italy with me.
After my laughing fit up the hill in Capri, a woman approached me. She told me that she wrote about me in her travel journal because my laughter made her day. She said it was a reminder to find joy. I felt honoured.
My students and I produced a play called “The Search for Cindy” by Tim Kochenderfer. The main character made the dire mistake of getting his girlfriend’s name, “Cindy”, tattooed on his back right before she broke up with him. The action of the play revolves around the character searching far and wide to date another Cindy so that the tattoo would be valid again!
Remember I said we were visiting the villa of Dr. Axel Munthe in Capri? Well, for your interest, he was a Swedish born medical doctor (1857-1949) who had a medical practise in France but when he married a rich Englishwoman, he spent most of his adult life in Italy. He was philanthropic in nature, often treating the poor without charge and risked his life several times to offer medical help to others. Today his villa, along with the Grotta Azzurra, is the most visited place on Capri.
Merci a mon amie francais, Marlene, pour correction.
