Optimism Versus Pessimism
Half full? Half Empty? Still Worth Drinking
I have always had a tenuous relationship with pessimism and optimism.
Well, I guess I had a few stingers in my life that fostered more pessimism than is typically my personality type’s profile. My antidote to pessimism was to believe that If I could see what was coming, perhaps I could prepare. And if I was prepared, perhaps I could mitigate the pain. I don’t know whether this attitude makes me a pessimist or an optimist. A pessimist thinks bad things are sure to occur and I definitely can think of a million and one ways an event, person or situation can go sideways. On the other hand, part of why I like to dream up all the potential eventualities is so that I can think up a solution or turn-around before the disaster even occurs. Let me play it out for you in a few examples.
As a new High School teacher during tough economic times, I was declared redundant by the Board of Education for each of my first six years in the profession. This occurs when government cutbacks are enforced, class sizes are made larger and fewer teachers are then required. The instructors with the most seniority get to stay and the young new teachers with little seniority are told they no longer have a position. For years, in April, I would assume I would be receiving the surplus letter (pessimism or realism?) and pre-think a plan of action (optimism) to put in place. I would start putting the alternative plan in action (optimism) BEFORE I even got the letter (pessimism). One summer, I applied once again to be a club Pro for a Figure Skating Club (optimism), assuming I would not be able to find a teaching job (pessimism). Three weeks into September, I was hired back to teach in a school (relief).
Countless times, I have anticipated negative outcomes, imagined reactions, assumed the worst. The catastrophes I fabricated never came true.
On the flip side, because I have a vivid imagination, I am a terrific problem solver. When colleagues at work came to me with problems, my mind could quickly and effectively dream up a creative solution. I enjoyed helping people see the options available to the resolution of problems. I enjoyed showing students how there is a solution to every problem (albeit, it is not always the solution we think we want, at times).
I guess I have to reconcile the two versions of myself. When stressed and tired, pessimism dominates and when balanced and rested, optimism reigns. My goal is to get to the point where I can quickly stomp out the fires of pessimism regardless of negative circumstances. To achieve this, I must develop mind muscles based upon the firm belief that I can choose to control my thoughts.
THE URGE TO PESSIMISM
It’s so easy to assume the worst. Thought patterns can take us to the worst places pretty quickly. My car won’t start. It’s probably because the engine is gone. That’s a big repair ($). I will have to rent a car to get to work tomorrow ($$). And I will have to tow my car to a garage to get fixed ($$$) and of course my car conks out when I am 45 minutes out of town ($$$$). What if they can’t repair it? What if I need a new car? ($$$$$) I will have to use the rest of my line of credit ($$$$$$) to buy a new car and we won’t get to take the trip to Disney that I promised the kids. What if something else breaks at the house? I won’t have any money left in my line of credit to pay for any future repairs (!!!!!!!!!!). What if I am laid off work again and never can pay it off? (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
It is so amazing how this train-wreck of thoughts can occur within seconds of turning the car keys and hearing a dead sound.
What if it’s just my car battery that is dead? A new car battery is $200. That’s a far cry from the tens of thousands of dollars for a new car, a full line of credit, no Disney trip and contingency fund.
When I went through a divorce, I learned that thoughts are in my control. Particularly at the beginning, I had so many confusing and conflicting emotions. I found myself sitting, staring into space, thinking for hours at a time. I remember taking my kids to Montreal to visit my two extraordinary French friends, and during the 6 hour journey I literally had to tell myself to stop certain thoughts that were not conducive to moving forward emotionally. No, I mean it literally. I actually would say the word “STOP” out loud to turn my thoughts to another direction. My son, who was 11 at the time, asked me, “Mommy, why do you keep talking to yourself out loud?” I have continued to use this technique of instructing myself out loud whenever I feel the urge to let myself get poopy.
I think it’s natural for us humans to lob onto the negative. It’s a protection device. When I burn myself on the stove, it’s important to remember how much it hurts so I don’t do it again. When I am embarrassed because I am late for an event, it’s important to remember that emotion so that I work harder to respect everyone involved and be on time. What we are not good at remembering is that just because some “bad” things happen, it doesn’t mean bad things will always happen. We really should be cleaving to the lessons we learn as a result of a negative situation and use those lessons to create positive experiences going forward.
CLEAVE TO OPTIMISM
Some people think that to be optimistic is to be unrealistic but that is not the case. I believe healthy optimism occurs when one knows life can be tough but chooses to see that life is precious and beautiful.
Let me tell you about a dream that went sideways on me.
After much contemplation and calculation, I decided, at 50, to retire early from teaching. I felt I had achieved all my goals in that area of education and wanted to try some new challenges. One was to start a blog (thus, PlanBisBetter.com) and perhaps write a book or two. Another was to accompany my husband when he travelled for work. I wanted to take some certification courses and become a nutrition coach. I could take more chef courses. I also imagined myself being able to do the things I was never able to do during the work hours of school.
I distinctly remember having a special, exciting thought as I drove to work with my resignation papers beside me, ready to hand in to my boss stating that I would finish the semester and then retire. I could meet my Mom in St. Jacobs any day I wanted and we could enjoy lunch and the market together.
This dream of what retirement could be was revised the moment I was taken out of class for a phone call a couple weeks later. Mom was being rushed to Stratford Hospital with blood clots in her lungs.
This diagnosis led to another diagnosis which was the surprise of stage 4 uterine cancer, along with a short life expectancy. This was pessimism to the hilt.
Let me tell you how wonderful it was.
It was wonderful that I didn’t have to make lesson plans, stew over missing extracurricular obligations that September. I got to take Mom to the Shaw Festival to see her favourite musical, “Brigadoon”. We got to go shopping at Niagara on the Lake and buy matching faux fur capes.
It was wonderful that I was free to drive the two hours to my hometown and stay with Dad to help support Mom with her wish to remain home and out of hospital while battling the illness.
It was wonderful that the Grandchildren showed up to put up Grandma’s Christmas tree. As she handed out the ornaments, she told the story of how each one was acquired.
It was wonderful just to sit and talk with Mom about things I never took the time to ask her before. Out came stories of her childhood on the farm.
It was wonderful to sing out loud to my Mom in her last days knowing she loved every note.
It was wonderful to be free to call my Dad as he made sense of his new world without the love of his life. I was always in a hurry before, but now I could just sit and listen to Dad’s stories.
It was wonderful that my Dad and I became best friends.
The pessimist in me could say that all this was unfair. Unfair to my Mom who was not old yet. Unfair to Dad and my brothers. Unfair to the grandchildren. Unfair because a pandemic came and Dad had to grieve alone. Unfair to me because the first year of my retirement didn’t afford me my hopes & dreams and it sure didn’t allow me to meet Mom in St. Jacobs for lunch whenever I wanted.
The optimist says, thank God I listened to the small, quiet rumblings that told me to retire early. I was given the precious gift of time when it really mattered. I don’t have to live with any regrets that I was not available, especially in the last month, to say goodbye.
But most of all, thank God, I had a beautiful mother who loved me, taught me, adored me and who was a gift to all who knew her.
How much more sad to have little to grieve.
I am not always winning in my battle of pessimism against optimism. I am slowly learning to understand that most problems are mosquito bites that hurt and aggravate but I do have the power to swat them away. Some situations really do suck, but as long as I am growing and learning, I am living.
ADDENDUM
The picture used for this post captures the day we looked for a mother-of-the-bride dress for my wedding. Featured is my daughter Taylor (the maid of honour), my Mom and me. We did indeed find the perfect dress at “La Creme” in St. Jacobs.
St. Jacobs is a little village outside of Kitchener, Ontario, Canada. It’s a mennonite community with a great little Theatre, farmers market and charming shops.
I do not wish to trivialize what some have gone through in their lives and I do not want to suggest that wishful thinking can make every situation better. Some traumas and situations require time and professional help to achieve healing. Having said that, I do think many of us often make certain battles bigger than they need to be and some skills in re-framing can be helpful.
I could continue my gratitude list citing more blessings that came out of my choice to retire. Sadly, a couple months after Mom died, so did my father-in-law. I was so grateful that I was able to be available for the other side of the family. When my mother-in-law had hip replacement surgery, I was able to cook for her while she was recovering. I loved watching this feisty woman push herself to health. Three months later, Shirley is currently on her riding lawn mower cutting the grass at her cottage. She is a model of strength and optimism.
The Shaw Festival at Niagara on the Lake, Ontario, Canada is a must-go destination. Top notch professional theatre is not the only reason to go. Enjoy the architecture, shops, restaurants and world-class wineries. And if you ever get to see the musical, Brigadoon, enjoy learning about the power of dreams.
